Gentle Ways to Handle Toddler Tantrums

By Priya Elkins, Early Years Contributor | Baby & Toddler Column | Childcare Standards Council

Every parent experiences it at some point: your toddler, seemingly out of nowhere, throws themselves to the floor, red faced and tearful, all because their banana broke in half or the blue cup was in the wash.

Toddler tantrums are a normal part of development, but that doesn’t make them any easier to handle, especially when you’re tired, in public, or unsure of what to do next.

In 2025, our understanding of toddlers' emotional needs has grown. This blog post explores gentle, effective ways to handle toddler tantrums, so you can support your little one with kindness, calm, and confidence.

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What Are Toddler Tantrums and Why Do They Happen?

Toddler tantrums are emotional outbursts that can include crying, yelling, kicking, hitting, or even holding their breath. They typically begin between 1 and 3 years of age, peaking around age 2.

But here’s the key thing to remember: tantrums are not bad behaviour, they are a form of communication. Your child is overwhelmed and doesn’t yet have the words or tools to express what they feel.

Tantrums often happen when a toddler is:

• Tired, hungry, or overstimulated

• Frustrated by not being able to do something

• Struggling with a big emotion like anger or sadness

• Seeking independence ("I do it myself!")

• Facing a change or transition (e.g. leaving the playground)

Understanding the “why” helps you respond with empathy rather than punishment.

Why Gentle Responses Matter

Research in child development shows that how we respond to tantrums can shape a child’s emotional development, sense of safety, and even their long term ability to regulate emotions.

Gentle parenting doesn’t mean letting your child “get away with it”. It means setting clear boundaries with empathy and helping your toddler learn the skills they need to manage big feelings.

Gentle Ways to Handle Toddler Tantrums

1. Stay Calm Yourself

This is easier said than done, but it’s vital. If you respond with shouting or frustration, the situation often escalates. Your calm presence helps your child feel safe and grounded.

Try this: Take a deep breath, speak softly, and keep your facial expression neutral or kind. You're showing them how to handle stress, even if you’re faking it in the moment!

2. Validate Their Feelings

Even if the reason for the tantrum seems irrational to you, it’s very real for your child.

Try saying:

“You’re upset because you wanted the other cup. That’s really hard.”“You’re angry because I said no to more TV. It’s OK to feel angry.”

Naming emotions helps children feel seen and understood, and teaches them the language to express themselves next time.

3. Create a Safe Space

If your toddler is lashing out, gently remove them from the situation if needed. Stay nearby and make sure they’re safe.

Some children may want a cuddle; others need space. Follow your child’s cues and remind them you’re there when they’re ready.

4. Keep Language Simple and Supportive

Too many words during a tantrum can overwhelm your toddler further. Use short, calm phrases:

• “You’re safe. I’m here.”

• “Let’s breathe together.”

• “I’ll help you when you’re ready.”

Avoid lectures or trying to reason mid meltdown. Save explanations for later, once they’ve calmed down.

5. Use Distraction or Redirection (When Appropriate)

In some situations, especially with younger toddlers, a gentle redirection can work wonders:

• “Let’s see what’s in this drawer!”

• “Can you help me find your teddy?”

• “Should we go look out the window together?”

This isn’t about ignoring their feelings but offering a new focus when emotions are manageable.

6. Set Consistent Boundaries with Empathy

Gentle parenting doesn’t mean no limits. Children feel more secure when they know what to expect. For example:

“I see you want another biscuit, but we’re all done for today. I know it’s disappointing.”

Stick to your boundary but show you understand their upset. Over time, they learn limits are loving, not punitive.

7. Talk It Through Afterwards

Once the storm has passed, talk to your toddler (at their level) about what happened. For example:

“You were really sad when we had to leave the park. Next time, I’ll remind you when it’s nearly time to go.”

Use this as a moment to reinforce emotional learning and discuss strategies like deep breathing, counting, or using words.

When You’re in Public

Public tantrums can feel especially stressful; you might feel judged or embarrassed. The truth is, most parents understand, and your child needs the same love and support as they would at home.

Tips for handling public tantrums:

• Move to a quieter space if possible

• Keep your voice soft and your words simple

• Don’t worry about onlookers, focus on your child

• Use a calming phrase like: “You’re having a hard time. I’m here.”

You are not spoiling your child by responding gently. You are meeting their needs.

Preventing Tantrums Before They Start

While you can’t stop every tantrum, you can reduce the chances:

• Stick to a routine: toddlers thrive on predictability

• Offer choices to give them a sense of control

• Use “when/then” language: “When we put your shoes on, then we can go outside”

• Give transition warnings: “Five more minutes, then we leave the playground”

• Make sure your toddler is well fed, rested, and not overstimulated

When to Seek Support

Occasional tantrums are normal. However, consider speaking to your health visitor or GP if:

• Tantrums are happening many times a day, every day

• Your toddler frequently hurts themselves or others

• You're feeling overwhelmed or unsure how to cope

There’s no shame in asking for help. Support is available, and you’re not alone.

Final Thoughts

Toddler tantrums are a normal part of growing up, and a chance for you to help your child build emotional

resilience. By staying calm, offering empathy, and setting kind but firm limits, you’re not only managing the moment but also shaping how your child learns to manage emotions for life.

Gentle doesn’t mean permissive. It means parenting with understanding, patience, and trust in your toddler’s ability to grow through these big feelings.

You’re doing important work, and your connection with your child will grow stronger with each challenge you face together.