Helping Children Cope With Big Feelings

By Dr. Leo Bennett, Child Development Advisor | Expert Advice Column | Childcare Standards Council

Children’s emotional worlds can sometimes feel overwhelming not just for them, but for the adults who care for them. Big feelings such as anger, fear, sadness, or frustration often appear suddenly and intensely, leaving toddlers and young children struggling to understand or express what they’re experiencing.

Helping children manage these strong emotions is crucial for their healthy development and long term wellbeing. Yet, it can be challenging to know how best to respond in the moment, or how to teach children effective coping skills.

In this expert guide, we’ll explore the science behind children’s emotional development, why “big feelings” matter, and practical strategies for parents, carers, and educators to support children in navigating their emotions with confidence and resilience.

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Why Are Big Feelings So Important?

Emotions are central to a child’s development. Research from developmental psychology shows that the ability to recognise, express, and regulate emotions is linked to social skills, learning, and mental health throughout life.

Big feelings are often an expression of unmet needs, confusion, or attempts to communicate something that children can’t yet put into words. For example, a toddler’s tantrum may be frustration at limited language skills or feeling overwhelmed.

Helping children cope with emotions early on:

• Builds emotional intelligence

• Supports positive relationships with peers and adults

• Encourages problem solving skills

• Reduces the risk of anxiety or behavioural difficulties later on

  
  

The Science of Emotional Regulation in Early Childhood

Young children’s brains are still developing, particularly the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for managing impulses and emotional control. This means toddlers and preschoolers naturally have difficulty regulating intense feelings.

The hormone cortisol, released during stress, can affect a child’s ability to think clearly or calm down. That’s why they often seem “stuck” in their emotions and unable to reason in the heat of the moment.

Emotion regulation is a skill learned through modelling, supportive relationships, and consistent routines. Adults who respond with calm, empathy, and clear boundaries provide a secure base for children to develop these vital skills.

Common Big Feelings and How They Show Up

• Anger and frustration: Tantrums, hitting, shouting, stomping feet

• Fear and anxiety: Clinging, refusal, nightmares, irritability

• Sadness or disappointment: Crying, withdrawal, loss of interest

• Excitement or overwhelm: Hyperactivity, difficulty settling

  
  

Recognising these behaviours as communication rather than “bad behaviour” helps shift the adult response from punishment to support.

How to Help Children Cope With Big Feelings: Practical Strategies

1. Name the Feeling

Helping children put words to their emotions is a foundational step. Use simple, clear language:

• “I can see you’re feeling angry.”

• “It looks like you’re really upset.”

  
  

Labelled emotions give children a sense of control and understanding.

2. Validate Their Experience

Avoid minimising feelings or saying “don’t be silly.” Instead, acknowledge the child’s experience:

• “It’s okay to feel scared when it’s dark.”

• “I understand you’re frustrated because you can’t have the toy right now.”

  
  

Validation shows children their feelings are accepted and normal.

3. Model Calm and Self Regulation

Children learn by watching adults. Staying calm during emotional outbursts teaches them that feelings can be managed safely. Techniques include:

• Deep breathing

• Gentle voice tone

• Taking a moment to pause before responding

  
  

4. Provide Physical Comfort

Sometimes a hug, holding hands, or simply sitting close can help a child feel secure enough to process their feelings.

5. Offer Choices and Control

Big feelings often stem from feeling powerless. Giving children simple choices restores a sense of control:

• “Would you like to play with the blocks or read a book?”

• “Do you want to take a break or talk about it?”

  
  

6. Teach Simple Coping Skills

As children grow, introduce tools such as:

• Counting to ten

• Taking deep breaths

• Using a “calm corner” or soft space

• Drawing or storytelling to express feelings

  
  

7. Establish Consistent Routines

Predictability reduces anxiety. Consistent meal times, sleep schedules, and transitions create a safe framework for children to feel secure.

8. Encourage Problem Solving

Once a child is calm, help them explore solutions:

• “What could you do next time you feel upset?”

• “How can we share toys so everyone’s happy?”

  
  

This nurtures emotional resilience and social skills.

When to Seek Further Support

While big feelings are normal, persistent or extreme emotional difficulties may need additional help. Consider consulting a paediatrician, child psychologist, or family support worker if your child:

• Has frequent, intense tantrums lasting over 15 minutes

• Shows signs of withdrawal or persistent sadness

• Is extremely fearful or anxious beyond normal limits

• Has difficulty forming relationships with peers or adults

  
  

Early intervention can make a significant difference.

Supporting Parents and Carers

Helping children cope with big feelings is a journey for the whole family. Parents and carers can benefit from:

• Learning about emotional development

• Practising patience and self care

• Accessing support groups or parenting courses

  
  

Remember, you don’t need to have all the answers being present and responsive matters most.

Final Thoughts

Big feelings can feel overwhelming, but they are a natural and essential part of childhood development. With supportive adults who understand and respond with patience, empathy, and clear guidance, children can learn to recognise, express, and manage their emotions effectively.

By helping children build emotional literacy and regulation skills, we equip them with tools for resilience, healthy relationships, and lifelong wellbeing.